Reasons You Aren’t Into the Rio Olympics

The opening ceremony for the 2016 Summer Olympics takes place tonight in Rio de Janeiro. See why you couldn’t care less with The Top Reasons You Aren’t Into the Rio Olympics.

  • You’d rather hold off on rooting for these athletes until decades later, when they figure out which gender they truly are.
  • If you want to see scantily-clad people with nice bodies get exposed to viruses, you’ll watch “The Bachelor”.
  • You already know the Jamaicans will dominate track, the Americans will dominate basketball, and the Russians will dominate drug testing.
  • Three words: No. Scott. Baio.
  • You’re pissed the IOC refused to add “Pok√©mon Go” as an event.
  • As crazy as it sounds, you have better things to do with your time than watch the U.S. men’s basketball team beat Venezuela by 300 points.
  • Your wife doesn’t like the look on your face when you watch women’s beach volleyball.
  • All the events are rigged! Sorry, that’s why Trump isn’t into the Olympics.
  • You’ve hated pole-vaulting ever since that little “incident” in 9th grade gym that left you impotent.
  • You prefer the winter games when everyone’s nipples are erect.
  • You don’t watch anything that doesn’t involve Meryl Streep.
  • You associate anything Brazilian with pain, thanks to years of waxing.