Dog Complaints

  • Leaving the vet without their scrotum.
  • They’re always being asked, “Who’s a good boy,” when they know damn well dogs are born without a sense of morality.
  • Owners not giving them any warning to leave the room before the ending of “Marley & Me”.
  • Old people who waste tennis balls on their walkers.
  • Bring it back, they throw it again. Make up your damn mind!
  • People who don’t understand that napping all day is SERIOUSLY exhausting.
  • The idea that hating all cats is an offensive stereotype.
  • When someone’s grandma has an accident, nobody smacks HER on the ass with a rolled-up newspaper.
  • All those smothering hugs and kisses? Yeah, you’re just asking to have your face bitten off.
  • Owners that clean up their poop right away instead of leaving it for a snack.
  • When perfectly good toilet bowl water is tainted with Tidy Bowl.
  • Humans obsessing over the threat of Zika and blindly ignoring the perilous threat of vacuum cleaners.
  • When there isn’t a good ratio of Kibbles to Bits.
  • Constantly being blamed for their owner’s disgusting flatulence.
  • Being asked to “shake,” when the person asking clearly doesn’t have a treat.