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Your newest album was only released on cassette
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You’re Robert De Niro, but not the actor Robert De Niro
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The last time you “performed” in public you were singing “Volare” on the crosstown bus
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Your last film starred Ron Jeremy
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You keep asking, “Who’s Kennedy?”
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Your biggest claim to fame is that you once got decked by Alec Baldwin
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You host a late night talk show in a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop
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You accused Led Zeppelin of stealing “Stairway to Heaven”