Rejected Father’s Day Cards

Happy Father’s Day. Hope all you Dads got something nice, and that you didn’t get one of these cards…

  • Dad, I think you’re the bomb. Even though your boobs are now droopier than Mom’s.
  • I’m making $5,000 a week stripping, so . . . thanks for never being there.
  • You make me feel loved, cared for, and respected, so thanks for giving it to mom unprotected.
  • I’m so amazed by your continued ability, to remember your pants despite your senility.
  • Let’s celebrate your day with a few libations. Oh wait, we can’t, you’re still on probation.
  • You taught me about knowing right from wrong . . . like the time Mom wore a thong.
  • I’m tapped after buying the gold-plated dinette set for Mother’s Day. But hey, enjoy the T.J. Maxx gift card!
  • Today is a day you deserve some affection . . . especially after you shared with me your porn collection.
  • I hope it’s cool that I put this card on your Visa.
  • Yo, Dad, don’t be stressed. Just chill and take this paternity test.