Things You Need To Know About Arbor Day

Chances are you didn’t know today is Arbor Day.  And chances are many of you don’t even know what the hell Arbor Day is.  So we’ll get you up to speed with this list of The Top Things You Need to Know About Arbor Day.

  • Birdsey Northrop is credited with making it a global observance.  Because with a name like that, what else was he gonna do . . . date girls?
  • Most states celebrate it on the last Friday of April.  Except for Alaska.  Because they’re on meth!
  • Americans care as much about it as Republicans care about John Kasich.
  • It’s kind of like Earth Day, but without the bikini-clad hippie girls and juggling sticks.
  • There are many ways to celebrate:  You can plant a tree, you can produce a skit or play about trees . . . or get drunk like we do on all our other holidays.
  • It’s just another frivolous celebration contributing to the war on Christmas!
  • Sending people Arbor Day cards kind of defeats the purpose.
  • It’s the second most popular holiday in April celebrating plants, after 4/20.
  • Many people celebrate the holiday by making donations to rainforests . . . then immediately letting everyone know how amazingly selfless and special they are.
  • If you wait until the day after, all Arbor Day candy at stores is 50% off!
  • It’s another holiday where bars could really benefit from serving green beer.