Reasons You Won’t Make It As A Major League Baseball Player

Now that the Major League Baseball season is under way, we thought it’d be the perfect time for this list of The Top Reasons You Won’t Make it as a Major League Baseball Player.

  • You want to preserve the size of your testicles.
  • You speak English.
  • You learned everything you know about being a selfless teammate from Alex Rodriguez.
  • You think a “Louisville Slugger” is a sex act.
  • Your biggest weakness is sliders.¬† Not the pitch, but the tiny burgers.
  • You can’t stop giggling whenever you hear the term “pitcher’s rubber.”
  • You spend too much time adjusting the protective cup . . . on players from the opposing team.
  • There’s just not enough brain damage for you.
  • You get winded just walking up the dugout steps.