Rejected Valentine’s Day Cards

Greeting card companies consider many pitches for the card you might pick out for Valentine’s Day, but thankfully, not all of them make the cut.

  • I want your heart as badly as Cam Newton wanted that fumble.
  • Roses are red, violets are blue. You look like that Puppy-Monkey-Baby, that drinks Mountain Dew.
  • My love for you burns brighter than a counterfeit hoverboard.
  • You complete me. Because of you I am completely miserable, completely hopeless, completely celibate . . .
  • I love the way you dance like no one is watching. Except when I’m watching. Because you look silly.
  • A Valentine’s rhyme that’s not a tongue twister: Would it be cool if I slept with your sister?
  • I was hoping tonight would be Netflix and chill . . . but that won’t happen cuz I forgot the blue pill.
  • I love you more than the rest. Especially since you’re not making me take that paternity test.
  • I hope you think this card is dandy. Because you really don’t need any more candy.