How did I go from being a Lear Jet to being a Tugboat?

People are always talking in glowing terms about old age.  “The wisdom of old age”… “The serenity of old age”…”Getting to retire and relax and do what you want to do in your old age”….Well, let me tell you something, Amigos….getting old SUCKS!!!!  From forgetting things, to my eyesight going, to my waistline NOT going (followed closely by my sexy, eye-catching MOOBS), to the indecent amount of pills I take in morning,  I lose count every day of how many times I roll my eyes and shake my head with a wry grin on my face over the indignities I suffer because of old age. How did this happen?  I used to be suave and slick…no Tom Selleck or Robert Redford (or even Barry Gibb for that matter), but I used to do pretty well, thank you very much.  Now, my soft, full, wavy blonde hair has been replaced by this big patch of skin on top of my head and my daughters telling me that I’m “cute” for my age.


But yesterday….oh yesterday was just too much.  I had just finished the second Comedy Break of the morning, just before 9 o’clock, when I felt what has become the all-too familiar rumbling in my stomach.  No, I wasn’t hungry….I was GASSY!  This, too, comes with old age.  Now, I had to drop off my winner’s slip at the front desk, so I figured that I had plenty of time to walk to the front desk from The Bus studios and get back to the bathroom across the hall without incident…only THIS time, I was wrong.  Oh yes…THIS time I was doing my best imitation of a tugboat…a little toot here, a little toot there…all the way back.  It was like someone had filled the hallway with small ducks and I was periodically stepping on one as I made my way back from the front desk…step step BRACK…step step step BRACK…  The only saving grace was that no one was in the hall, so I was the only one who knew what horrors were playing out right before my very eyes (at least I think I was).  It was like I was walking with my father…or grandfather…only it was ME!  Next thing I know, someone will be changing my grandchild’s diapers AND MINE at the same time.


So, the next time you hear about the wonders of getting older, just know that it’s a bunch of crap.  And just hope that it’s not while I’m walking down the hallway.