Tips For Having A Great “Big Game” Sunday

Why call it “The Big Game?”  Because the NFL fiercely protects their copyright and they’re extremely litigious. But whatever you call Sunday’s match-up between the team from Denver and the team from Carolina, there are some things you can do to insure your “Big Game” festivities are successful.

  • If anyone sings anything to the tune of the Nationwide jingle, kick them in the teeth immediately.
  • Take vodka shots whenever Cam Newton pisses off your racist grandpa.
  • Just keep reminding yourself the Patriots didn’t make it.
  • If a player pulls a groin, try to avoid loudly praying for a close-up.
  • Turn away during Lady Gaga close-ups.
  • Remember that no matter who wins, it’s who Trump picked all along.
  • Don’t bring up the fact you’re watching men slowly kill themselves for your Sunday afternoon amusement.  It’s kind of a bummer.
  • Try to do the impossible and avoid punching that one d-bag who tells everyone to be quiet during timeouts, because he’s only watching for the commercials.
  • Do a shot each time CBS promotes one of their network shows.  You’ll be plastered halfway through the first quarter.
  • Don’t surprise your guests during halftime with your own “wardrobe malfunction.”
  • Create a live Super Bowl feeling by charging your guests $5,000 to come in the house and watch it.