January 6, 2016
As I’m sure you heard by now, an armed militia group is occupying a federal wildlife refuge in Oregon. And I know what you’re thinking: Armed Insurrection? Sign me up! But before you book your flight or throw all your gear in the back of your ’72 Dodge Dart and head west to join, there are some questions you should ask yourself first. Questions like:
- Am I prepared to die to protect a completely erroneous interpretation of the Constitution?
- They serve beer, right?
- What the hell does “well-regulated” even mean?
- Will the federal building we occupy have Wi-Fi so I can fill time watching “Gilmore Girls”?
- Can I schedule my shift during a federal building occupation around WrestleMania?
- Do I look good in an unkempt beard and American flag do-rag?
- Do I pronounce “America” without the first “a?”
- Paying federal taxes is for suckers, right?
- Do I see any hypocrisy in condemning terrorists, while threatening to terrorize anyone who disagrees with me?
- Do I consider the cast of “Duck Dynasty” to be fashion icons?
- Do I carry around big guns to compensate for anything?
Only after you’ve given careful consideration to all these questions should you seize a Gub-mint facility to show how much you love The Constitution.