December 17, 2015
“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is about to open. Planning on seeing it on opening weekend? The you don’t want to read this because (SPOILER ALERT) here are some of The Top Surprises in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”.
- Darth Vader is still alive and buses tables at Panera Bread.
- Luke’s at an age where he struggles to keep his lightsaber up.
- The guy next to you in the theater once had sex.
- It’s a “Star Wars” movie that’s actually good.
- Carrie Fisher tries on the slave bikini and causes the rest of the cast to melt like “Raiders of the Lost Ark” Nazis.
- Ben Carson stabs Kylo Ren in the belt buckle.
- Luke Skywalker and Han Solo finally give in to the simmering tension . . . and make passionate love in the cargo hold of the Millennium Falcon.
- Chewbacca is finally reunited with his long-lost twin . . . Brad Garrett.
- The loudest scream from Chewbacca happens while he’s getting a Brazilian.
- There’s one character who has a name that you can easily spell.
There you go…I just saved you a couple of bucks.