Ways to Make World Cup Soccer More Exciting

  • Two words: Designated tripper

  • Instead of “Goooooalll!” have announcers yell, “I pity the fool!”

  • See who can eat the most hot dogs and suit them up

  • Turn it into REAL football, you wussy Euro-trash!

  • Punching allowed

  • Make the goal bigger or the goalie smaller

  • Releasing wild dingoes onto the field? Check!

  • Penalty “shootout” includes actual firearms

  • Give one guy on each team a horse

  • Let them use their damn hands!